Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Read online

  Our inner child wants to be loved, no matter what he/she may say or how he/she may act. Remember this, and give your inner child the love that he/she needs.

  Stepping Stones to Health

  Healing the Inner Child

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I do not recognize that I have an inner child.

  _____ 2. I sometimes feel there is a part of me that still carries the pain of sexual abuse.

  _____ 3. I was a child when I was abused, and there could be a childlike part of me that continues to struggle with what happened.

  _____ 4. I recognize that there are childlike parts of myself, even today, that like to play and have fun. I want to nurture those parts of myself.

  _____ 5. I believe the childlike part of me was hurt by the sexual abuse.

  _____ 6. I am beginning to have more compassion for myself. I am starting to want to heal and nurture this part of me.

  _____ 7. I have connected with my inner child’s feelings, and repeat healing affirmations to him/her.

  _____ 8. I have conversations with my inner child and ask what he/she needs.

  _____ 9. I recognize that I have an inner child, and I will do whatever it takes to heal that part of myself.

  Chapter 15 – Deserving Love

  “We can’t give up on love, and we can’t pretend that we can live without it.

  We need love like we need air to breathe.”

  -Jason Goodwin

  As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us never received the love we wanted. Love was withheld from us altogether, or it was given only on a conditional basis. Many of us had to keep the family secret to gain approval.

  Some survivors of sexual abuse try to gain love and acceptance by becoming perfect. The truth is that we can never be perfect.

  Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a paradoxical view of love. We don’t understand why our abuser never loved us, so we conclude that either they couldn’t love us, or we were unworthy of their love.

  Some of us were sexually abused by a parent or parents. The idea that a parent or caregiver could be incapable of loving us is unthinkable. As children, we need love in order to survive. We need love and approval from the people we depend upon.

  Instead of facing the terrible truth, that maybe our parents or abusers were incapable of loving us, we decide that we were unlovable and we blame ourselves for the abuse.

  Some of us recreate this destructive paradox in our adult lives. We feel attracted to cold, distant, or emotionally unavailable partners. We end up in unhealthy, abusive relationships. We fail to notice those partners who would be good to us. Partners who would treat us with the love and respect we deserve.

  When we believe we don’t deserve to be loved, we tend to form relationships with people who will confirm our worst fears. The belief that we are unlovable is often held in place by a great deal of sorrow. It is time to grieve the loss of our childhood. We may need to allow ourselves to cry. We may need to take it upon ourselves to give our inner child the love that he/she never received. When we send our inner child love, we begin to release our feelings of pain and resentment.

  Without receiving the kind of love and attention that makes us feel valuable and important as children, we may fail to develop a positive sense of ourselves and our identity. Growing up is a difficult process. Without lots of love and support, many of us fail to make a healthy transition into adult life.

  If our parents abused us, they were derelict in their duties. It was their job to provide us with love and support. It was their job to teach us how to face life’s challenges. They blew it. Many of us feel a deep hole where their love should have been. Instead of feeling love, we feel pain. Instead of feeling joy, we feel sorrow. Instead of feeling appreciation, we feel resentment. Instead of feeling connected, we feel abandoned.

  Of course, no one is perfect. No one can show his/her love for us every moment of every day. It is important to examine our own behavior. Do we treat others poorly? We cannot expect to receive love if we are not willing to give it in return. We need to be willing to demonstrate our love for others through our actions, and surround ourselves with people who can show their love for us in the same way.

  In the past, I believed that I would never be able to heal the sexual abuse. I believed that I would never feel like I deserved to be loved. But that was before I really took the time to work with my inner child. I sent him love and allowed him to grieve. I comforted him, and worked on healing the trauma of my past. It is a painful process, but one that restores our heart in the end.

  Through our actions, we teach our inner child that he/she really does deserve to be loved. When our inner child feels loved, is allowed to cry, and is supported unconditionally, he/she begins to heal.

  Giving and receiving love is one of the greatest joys in life. We all deserve that experience. But in order to get it, we must remain open to the many different forms that love takes. Sometimes we don’t have a romantic relationship that is fulfilling. Sometimes we don’t have a close relationship with God. Sometimes we feel estranged from parents that abused us as children.

  Sometimes our friends are few and far between. We live in apartments where we can’t own a pet. Sometimes we don’t love ourselves as much as we need to.

  If we want to get the love we need, we must never give up. We must never isolate ourselves or withdraw from the world. We must keep looking and keep trying. Sometimes we have to take all the love we can from whatever healthy sources are available to us at the time. We must keep improving our relationship with ourselves, with God, and with others so that all of our relationships can become more loving.

  We can’t give up on love, and we can’t pretend that we can live without it. We need love like we need air to breathe.

  Unfortunately, some of us have wanted love so badly that we became willing to accept abuse in order to get it. These survivors are on the roller-coaster from hell. They experience violent ups and downs. When their partner treats them well, they feel good about themselves for a little while. When their partner treats them poorly, they feel rejected. In the end, their self-esteem depends on their partner’s mood. Whether or not that partner was drinking last night. Whether or not that partner cheated on them this time. Is this the way we deserve to live? Do we deserve to be loved and respected only some of the time?

  As important as love is to our health and happiness, we must never sacrifice our self-respect to get it. Abusive relationships that promise love but compromise our self-esteem are still abuse, and feeling loved by someone else will never be as important as loving and respecting ourselves.

  Which type of love has the strongest effect on our health and well-being? Who is always in our head? Who is always in our hearts? Who do we have to live with, every moment of every day?

  We must never accept abuse. If we try to confront a partner about their abusive behavior and they refuse to change, it is our responsibility to end the relationship. We owe it to ourselves. The love we demonstrate for ourselves by ending an unhealthy relationship is the same love that can carry us through the pain of a breakup.

  Love comes in many forms. Three years ago, I bought a miniature dachshund named William Wallace. “Willie” has been a constant source of unconditional love in my life. I let people into my life who treat me well and are willing to prove they are trustworthy over time. I work to strengthen my relationship with God. I work to resolve my personal issues so that I can become more loving to others.

  There are many ways to find the love we need. We must open our hearts when it’s safe, protect ourselves when we need to, and never, ever give up.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: You Deserve Love

  I have to heal my inner child, because he is the one who believes he doesn’t deserve to be loved.

  My negative beliefs about myself are resistant to change. A part of me is afraid of healing
. I have grown comfortable with my belief that I don’t deserve to be loved. I need to push through this resistance in my mind. Can I say, “I deserve to be loved” out loud and mean it?

  Sometimes I feel afraid of abandonment. In the past, I felt abandoned when I was living alone, sometimes even when I was with a partner. It’s not logical, but that’s how I felt.

  When I feel abandoned, I feel unloved, cold, and empty, because I don’t feel loved by others, and I don’t love myself.

  My abusers fed me, housed me, and never left me alone for very long. But I never felt loved by them.

  At the root of my fear of abandonment is my fear of being unloved. I need to let myself shake and release this fear. I need lots of love in order to heal. I deserve to be loved. I will do whatever I can to help myself feel loved.

  I will have a pet, because I deserve unconditional love in my life. If I am with a partner who is incapable of loving me, I will break off that relationship and keep looking for a partner who can give me the love I need. Someone who can demonstrate their love for me through their actions. I deserve love. I will never give up on finding it.

  If I catch myself saying, “I don’t deserve to be loved,” I need to ask myself why I feel that way. I need to find out where that inner voice is coming from, and the reasons that I feel unworthy of love. I need to refute the lies I was told by my abusers about who I am and what I deserve.

  When I decided to become a counselor, it took me two years of hard work and frustration to get my Master’s Degree. I need to put the same kind of effort into my relationships. I need to remember the concept of merit-based pay, because it’s true in relationships just like everything else. I will only get what I work for. I could not have found a good job without getting my Master’s Degree first. I will not find a good relationship until I heal the sexual abuse.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #2: What Happens When You Realize You Deserve To Be Loved

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I don’t have to try to force anyone to love me.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I attract loving people.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I feel loved.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I love myself.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I can and will let go of unloving people.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I realize that everyone deserves to be loved.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, no setback can stop me from finding the love that I deserve.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I will eventually find the love that I seek.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I know that love is coming my way. I will see it and welcome it into my life.

  When I realize I deserve to be loved, I will never give up on finding a partner who will truly love me.

  Knowing I deserve to be loved comes from self-esteem. Being worthy means believing I am a good person. When I love myself and believe I am a good person, I realize I deserve to be loved.

  I really need to love myself from now on. Everyone deserves to be loved. I deserve to be loved.

  Process Worksheet

  Did I receive the kind of love I wanted or needed as a child or adult?

  If I did not received the kind of love I wanted or needed as a child or adult, what are the unhealthy ways I tried to compensate for feeling unloved? (Becoming sexually promiscuous, turning to drugs or alcohol, pushing people away, isolating myself, etc…)

  What sources of love can I turn to now? (Parents, God, family, pets, friends, significant other, kids, self, etc.…)

  How does my self-esteem improve when I feel loved?

  What am I doing in my life right now to get the love that I need? (Finding new friendships, getting a pet, strengthening my relationship with God, healing my relationships with parents or family, dating, etc…)

  Stepping Stones to Health

  Deserving Love

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I feel that I am unlovable.

  _____ 2. I believe that there are loveable people in this world, but I’m not one of them.

  _____ 3. I might deserve to be loved if I hadn’t done such terrible things in the past.

  _____ 4. I figure the reason I was unloved as a child was that I was not worthy of being loved.

  _____ 5. I figure I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve their abuse.

  _____ 6. I’m starting to think it might not have been my fault that I was abused.

  _____ 7. It seems strange. Other people have loved me throughout my life, just not my abuser/abusers.

  _____ 8. I can finally see that if it hadn’t been me, my abuser/abusers would have found someone else to abuse.

  _____ 9. I think maybe I am a good person. The things my abuser/abusers did can’t change that.

  _____ 10. I am beginning to accept love from wherever it comes. I accept love from people, pets, myself, and God.

  _____ 11. It feels good to be loved. I think I deserve it.

  _____ 12. I will do whatever I can to find love in my life. I will never give up on finding the love I need, and will continue to demonstrate love for others.

  Chapter 16 – Low Self-Esteem

  “Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves.”

  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Low self-esteem comes from feeling unworthy, defective, or not good enough. It can cause us to stay in abusive relationships, hurt ourselves with addictions, neglect our personal needs, or always put the needs of others before our own.

  Low self-esteem is common in survivors of sexual abuse. Many of us did not understand the reasons we were abused, so we tried to convince ourselves that the abuse was our fault. We came to believe that we must have done something terribly wrong to “deserve” to be abused.

  When sexual abuse “works,” we become a shell of a person. We replace whatever good feelings we have about ourselves with shame. Shame about our bodies, shame about our lives, and shame about the abuse.

  We begin to choose abuse in our daily lives. We choose abusive relationships and stay with abusive partners. We sell our bodies to people we know will treat us like objects or degrade us. We don’t stand up to people that criticize us or yell at us.

  We isolate ourselves and avoid relationships with people who would be good to us. We destroy our bodies with alcohol and drugs. We fail to take care of our needs, and fail to pursue the things we really want out of life.

  How do we become so self-destructive? It is because we believe that we are bad. That we deserve to be punished. That we are not worthy of the good things life has to offer.

  Many of us were brainwashed into self-destruction. At some point, we decided that we really were just sexual objects. We decided that our feelings really didn’t matter.

  When everything inside of us is disregarded, abandoned, or abused, we stop feeling loved. We no longer feel full. Instead, we feel empty.

  We don’t like ourselves, so we empty our lives instead of filling ourselves with the love we need. We fill our lungs with smoke and empty out our health. We fill our bodies with liquor and empty out our brains. We fill our stomachs with food and empty out our self-respect.

  We feel increasingly hollow and empty as we continue to engage in these self-destructive behaviors. Over time, we grow weaker and less capable of handling the challenges of life. We grow increasingly needy for the chemicals and addictions we think will make us strong. When we get trapped in this self-destructive, downward spiral, we empty out everything we need to survive.

  When sexual abuse “works,” we blame ourselves for the abuse. We decide that we were bad or that we must have done something terrible to provoke the abuser. Maybe we were too seductive. Maybe if we hadn’t been such a bad little boy or girl, they wouldn’t have molested us. Maybe it really is our fault.

  Maybe all we’re
good for is sex, so at least we should get paid for having sex. Maybe if we use enough drugs, sleep with enough people, drink enough alcohol, take enough pills, or smoke enough cigarettes, we will feel better. But we never do. We only feel worse. And the more we abuse ourselves, the worse we feel.

  When sexual abuse “works,” we stop caring. We decide that it is hopeless. All we will ever feel is pain. All we will ever be good for is sex. All we can ever do is self-medicate. All we will ever know is abuse. We will never break free and never feel better. We will continue to abuse ourselves, and we will continue to be abused.

  Sexual abuse leads to low self-esteem. But every negative pattern we change, every issue we resolve, every addiction we conquer, every negative belief we reprogram will improve our self-esteem. Low self-esteem is not an accident. It has many causes. Yet every one of those causes can be discovered, examined, explained, and reversed.

  Low self-esteem does not need to be permanent. It does not have to be a life-sentence. But to improve our self-esteem, we must begin to change the way we think about and relate to ourselves.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: Low Self-Esteem

  (To Myself): I hate myself.

  I hate feeling so weak. If hate feeling so much fear and so much pain. I hate my inability to control my life, my powerlessness, and my vulnerability. Sexual abuse leads to low self-esteem because it takes the worst parts of being human and puts them right in my face!

  (My wise, inner voice): It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to have no control. It’s okay to feel weak. You are a good person, even when you feel down on yourself. You don’t need to have absolute control.

  I need to accept some vulnerability in my life, some lack of control, and some weakness. I need to stop trying to control things that are beyond my control. I don’t need to feel so afraid of my past or my future. I can love myself. I can love my vulnerability and my weaknesses. I can allow these feelings to pass through me without becoming self-destructive.