Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Read online

  7. Is it my fault that he/she didn’t support me? No. I deserve to be loved and supported so that I can grow to reach my full potential. I deserve to be encouraged.

  8. Is it my fault that my abusers withheld love and approval from me until I gave them what they wanted? No. I deserved to be loved without accepting their abuse, approving of what they were doing, or participating in their mind games.

  9. Is it okay for him/her to abuse me? No. Nothing can ever justify the way he/she treated me.

  10. Did he/she have the right to abuse me because I was his/her child? No. The opposite is true. A person’s children deserve the best treatment anyone can receive.

  11. Will I be the person he/she tried to turn me into? No. I will heal the wounds of my past. I will take a different path. I will find my freedom. I will treat myself with love and respect. I will recover my pride, my dignity, and my self-esteem. I will chart a positive course for my life.

  12. I don’t have to agree with anything my abuser did, said, thought, believed,

  or tried to make me believe. I regain true freedom when I regain my own thoughts, beliefs, and an understanding that I truly am a good person.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: About Self-Esteem

  One way to discover how I feel about myself is by observing my thoughts when I’m alone. Do I enjoy my own company?

  I need love in order to feel good about myself. I need love from myself, from others, and from God.

  In the past, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need love. I intentionally shut myself off from the love that I needed by isolating myself, avoiding others, or holding onto negative beliefs.

  Is my self-esteem improving?

  Yes, because I’m not sabotaging myself anymore. I’m fighting the “I don’t care” syndrome. The words “I don’t care” are the opposite of self-love. What I will say instead is, “I do care, and I’m going to do this for myself. If there’s something I can do that’s positive and within my control, I am going to do it.”

  We can always choose to be good to ourselves. We do have control over our own actions. We can take control over our own thoughts. We cannot abdicate responsibility by claiming that we have no control.

  When we feel encouraged, we act in positive ways. If we feel discouraged, we act in negative ways. But either way, we are still in control of our actions and we still have a choice!

  Negative thinking can make us feel discouraged. We may think to ourselves, “My actions have no effect on the world. I have no control over what happens in life. I’m angry, and I just don’t care anymore. I refuse to take responsibility for my negative behaviors. I am going to abuse myself, sabotage myself, and neglect myself.” Negative thinking often leads to self-destructive, irresponsible behavior.

  Positive thinking can make us feel encouraged. Sometimes we think to ourselves, “I do have control over my actions, so I will choose to love myself, support myself, and take good care of myself. I care about the choices I make, because I am responsible for my well-being. I’m happy that I have control over my own behavior. My actions have a positive effect on my self-esteem.”

  It is possible to control ourselves. When we release the world around us, embrace ourselves, and start taking responsibility for our own behavior, we regain what is truly important in life.

  Exercise 17-4

  Self-Esteem Affirmations

  1. I love myself unconditionally.

  2. I am a good person.

  3. I deserve all the good things this world has to offer.

  4. God loves me, and He/She is pleased with me.

  5. I will reward myself when I do well, support myself, and ask for help when I face difficulties.

  6. I am a loveable person.

  7. I deserve success in every area of my life (relationships, work, and home).

  8. The things I do are important to me, to others, and to God.

  9. I am a child of God, and “God doesn’t make junk.”

  Stepping Stones to Health

  High Self-Esteem

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I feel terrible about myself.

  _____ 2. I think I may have one or two good qualities.

  _____ 3. I like certain parts of myself.

  _____ 4. I like myself in some ways, but I wish I would take better care of myself.

  _____ 5. I think I will take better care of myself.

  _____ 6. I have started doing things to take better care of myself and treat myself well.

  _____ 7. I think I deserve the good things in life.

  _____ 8. I like myself in some ways, but there are still some parts of my personality or behavior that I don’t like.

  _____ 9. I am actively doing whatever I can to build myself up physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

  _____ 10. I like myself more and more every day.

  Chapter 18 – Powerlessness

  “When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

  -Audre Lorde

  Abusers are motivated by anger, but their true goal is power. Why do some people seek power over others? What makes an abuser so angry that they are willing to hurt another person? What makes us so angry that we are willing to hurt ourselves?

  Power is our ability to affect other people and the world around us. It has been said that, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” But I disagree. Power, in itself, is neither good nor evil. Throughout history, power has been used to perpetrate acts of evil, but it has also been used to accomplish incredible good. Some of the greatest figures in history used their power to help others.

  Control is our ability to make something happen or get something we want. But there are other ways we can affect the world around us.

  Terrorists blow up buildings and kill innocent civilians. While this may not give them control, they feel powerful because they are able to affect the world in a very visible way.

  Some people try to substitute power for self-esteem. They tell themselves, “If I can affect other people or the world around me, that makes me important. Others will have to deal with me.”

  Yet feeling important and feeling good about yourself are not the same thing. Real self-esteem comes from believing you are a good person. In this world, good people do not always have much power, and people with a lot of power are not always good.

  Sometimes we are faced with situations in our lives that make us feel powerless. Situations where our actions seem to have no effect on the world. We want to change our circumstances, but we can’t. We wish we could change the way we feel, because all we feel is pain. We wish we could influence other people, but they refuse to change and they won’t stop abusing us.

  Feelings of powerlessness are frightening because power is an essential component of free will. Without power, there is no way to get what we need or what we want. Powerlessness feels like screaming underwater. No one hears us and no one cares.

  Powerlessness can feel like weakness. In nature, a lion gets what it wants because of its relative size and strength. A deer is more likely to be eaten because of its relative weakness. The natural, physical weaknesses we experience as women or children can be exploited and used against us.

  What were our abusers trying to gain? Abusers feel powerful when they believe they are in control of another person. By sexually abusing others, they wield a powerful ability to affect another person’s life. For an abuser, feelings of power come from controlling, influencing, and dominating a victim. They feel powerful as a result of their victim’s relative weakness.

  An abuser’s desire for power and control is often an attempt to suppress deep feelings of weakness, pain, and fear within themselves. The greater an abuser’s fear of his/her own feelings, the stronger his/her desire for power and control.

  There is a s
truggle within each one of us between the part of us that wants to do the right thing and the part of us that wants to feel powerful and in control. When a person gives in to his/her lust for power, his/her morals only get in the way. People cannot adhere to a strict, moral code of conduct and continue to injure or exploit a defenseless victim.

  All people experience a desire for power. Yet different people express this desire in different ways. As addicts, we drink, smoke, or slam drugs when we feel powerless. We abuse substances in an attempt to feel more powerful or in control.

  Some of us express our desire for power through sexual addiction. Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a strong need to feel in control of their sexuality. We turn to prostitution or pornography to try and medicate feelings of sexual weakness or powerlessness. We engage in sexual behaviors that make us feel powerful and in control.

  Many sex addicts avoid committed relationships. This allows them to choose from a variety of sexual partners, and to choose how often they have sex. Some sex addicts feel that their addictive behaviors have restored their freedom of choice in the realm of sexuality.

  People turn to all sorts of compulsive behaviors when they want to feel powerful and in control. These patterns can include anorexia, bulimia, gambling, co-dependency, overeating, or becoming a workaholic. Yet regardless of the particular game we are playing, our objective is the same. We want to feel powerful, be in control, or change the way we feel.

  As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us compromise our morals or personal code of conduct to gain feelings of power and control, just as our abusers did. We try to justify our self-destructive behaviors by claiming that, “I’m not hurting anyone but myself.” But really, that’s not true. If we are actively engaged in an addiction, we are hurting everyone who cares about us.

  As survivors of sexual abuse, we don’t want to feel weak or powerless any more than our abusers did. Yet our morals and personal code of conduct will not allow us to abuse others in the same way that we were abused.

  I visited Germany one year after the Berlin Wall came down. West Germany was filled with expression and color. The people seemed happy and free. East Germany felt gray, lifeless, and depressed. The Soviet Union had never repaired the damage from World War Two. Blackened, bombed-out buildings lined the streets. I realized in that moment that freedom of choice is only meaningful when we have the power to realize our choices.

  No one wants to feel powerless, yet sometimes we have to accept some weakness in our lives. When we turn to addictions to avoid our feelings, we are running from the truth of this world. As our addictions grow, we may be forced to compromise our morals and our values. Do we care about doing what is right?

  Fear can be a strong motivator. It is our society’s collective fear of weakness that led to the saying, “Nice guys finish last.” People who stick to a strong moral code of conduct may feel weak or taken for granted in their daily lives. They may not get the promotion at work, or make as much money as other, more ruthless employees. They may be pushed aside by people who are willing to hurt others to get to the top. People who believe in a strong moral code have to accept some weakness in their lives.

  Most of us want to be comfortable, have some nice things, and retain a certain degree of freedom, personal power, and control. Most of us are not selfless servants of God.

  As survivors of sexual abuse, we feel violated by what happened to us. But we have no desire to repeat the cycle of abuse.

  Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to strive for “progress, not perfection,” and this is the truth that most of us live by. It is probably not realistic to believe that we will become perfect saints in this lifetime. Only that we will become more loving in all of our relationships and keep moving in a positive direction.

  We can grow more tolerant of weakness. We can try to face our fears instead of succumbing to temptation. We can become less hurtful and more loving, less hateful and more forgiving, less controlling and more accepting. We can learn to experience our feelings instead of numbing them with addictions.

  While it is important to be realistic, we must always look to hope. As survivors in recovery, we are on the road to something better and every day we take another step.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: When I Feel Powerless

  1. I find healthy ways of expressing my anger. (Exercising, kick-boxing, venting with a friend, yelling when no one’s around, writing about my feelings, etc…)

  2. I allow myself to feel my fear. I allow my body to shake instead of turning to drugs or alcohol.

  3. I do whatever I can to improve my situation.

  4. I pray for God to help me let go of the things I cannot change.

  5. I realize that I am only human.

  6. I hold onto hope that my situation will improve if I keep doing the right things.

  Process Questions

  In what ways have I felt powerless in the past?

  What are some of the things I did to make myself feel powerful? Which of these approaches were healthy? Which were self-destructive or harmful to others?

  What are some of the ways I could cope with my feelings of powerlessness? (Talk about them with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor? Try to allow my feelings to happen and let them pass through me? Work on letting go by praying and turning my situation over to God?)

  Have I ever tried to control something I could not control? What did that feel like?

  Have I ever succeeded in letting go of something I could not control? How did that feel?

  Chapter 19 – Fear

  “I will show you fear in a handful of dust.”

  -T.S. Eliot

  Sexual abuse is a terrifying concept. Most of us don’t want to talk about it or think about it. We would prefer to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

  Sometimes we wonder, “Why did that abuse happen to me? Was I too attractive? Was I behaving too seductively? Did I send the wrong signals to my abuser?”

  If we think this way, it is because we are looking in the wrong place. Sexual abuse is not impossible to predict. But the determining factors lie within an abuser, not within us.

  It’s as if we were caught up in a terrible storm. We survived, but for many of us, the event changed our lives forever.

  Some of us blame ourselves for the abuse. We decide that we didn’t build a strong enough house. We were too vulnerable.

  Others blame God. We believe that God was angry with us or wanted to destroy our lives. We feel abandoned by Him/Her, or that He/She didn’t care what happened to us. We shake our fists at the sky.

  Some of us blame mother nature. We wish that science would discover a way to prevent storms.

  Some of us believe it was fate. We come to believe that storms are part of the natural order. Our house was demolished because it was time for us to move on.

  I believe that healing the pain of sexual abuse is an opportunity to grow. There are three possible reactions to having been abused. The first is to sexually abuse others in exactly the same way we were abused. The second is to turn our anger inwards and abuse ourselves with addictions and other self-destructive behaviors. The third is to decide that we will never abuse others or ourselves.

  Abuse is like a storm we cannot predict or control. Our only choice lies in our response. The final challenge of sexual abuse is learning to treat ourselves with dignity and respect, even when we have been abused.

  Denial is the worst type of fear. A mother in denial about the sexual abuse of a child may ignore what is happening or fail to hold an abusive husband or partner accountable. She may even blame the child for the abuse. Some mothers fear that confronting an abusive partner could lead to emotional or financial ruin for her and her children. She may blame herself for not being attractive enough to her partner.

  When we find the courage to tell others we were abused, our revelation is rarely met with empathy. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to believe it happened. Some would prefer we had remained si
lent.

  They would rather believe that sexual abuse always happens in someone else’s home. “It could never happen in my family,” they say. “It could never happen in my house.”

  Fear can lead family members to keep quiet and avoid confronting the abuser. Abusers remain in denial or fail to take responsibility for their actions. Survivors try to pretend the abuse never happened, blame themselves, or medicate their feelings with addiction. Fear of sexual abuse perpetuates sexual abuse.

  Which person in this unhealthy family system fears sexual abuse the most? Who was made to suffer? Who was made to feel incredibly powerless? Who was molested or raped as a child or adult? Whose beliefs about the safety of this world were forever changed? Whose childhood or innocence was lost? Who must work the hardest to pick up the pieces?

  We have more reason to fear sexual abuse than anyone. It affected our lives and ravaged our self-esteem. While others can try to deny it, pretend that it didn’t happen, or believe it wasn’t that bad, we cannot. Our lives were forever altered by something that is terribly real. We have to face sexual abuse. Not because we ever wanted to, but because we have no choice.

  Sexual abuse is the most frightening subject there is. Murder? Many of us would have preferred death to the abuse we endured. Torture? Some of us were tortured over and over again. Betrayal? There is no deeper form of betrayal than a parent sexually abusing his/her own child. Rape? Some of us were raped at a young age, when we were completely vulnerable and incapable of defending ourselves.

  It is scary. We were terrified. We were traumatized. We have every reason to feel the way we do. No, we’re not crazy. Anyone else, if faced with the same terrifying abuse, would have responded in a similar way. We’re not strange and we’re not broken. But we are wounded and we do need to heal.