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  Being trustworthy is a question of integrity. It feels good when we speak the truth. It feels good when we honor our commitments. We can be proud of ourselves and avoid any feelings of shame and guilt. Our honesty can become a powerful source of self-esteem. Even if we don’t have much in this world, we can still have our word.

  We must avoid making promises we can’t keep. It’s important to be aware of our personal limitations, our problems, and how much we can realistically do for others. Misunderstandings occur when we over-commit, promise more than we can deliver on, or undertake more than we can accomplish.

  We must treat others in the way we want to be treated. Others will learn over time that we can be trusted, because we do what we say.

  Trust usually becomes an issue when we are feeling vulnerable. Sometimes we feel vulnerable as children or when we’re in a relationship. We feel vulnerable when we are dependent on another person for our welfare.

  In choosing whether or not to trust someone, we need to ask ourselves, “What is it that I am trusting them to do? What is it I am trusting them not to do?” Trusting someone means depending on that person to act in our best interests.

  Trustworthy people have our welfare in mind. They want us to be safe, happy, and healthy.

  We can only trust when we feel safe about being vulnerable. But how can we ever truly know who will be worthy of our trust? Can people produce documents that attest to their honesty? Is there some way we can screen out the untrustworthy people in this world to avoid getting hurt?

  Everyone wants our trust. Honest people want it because they deserve it. Dishonest people want it so they can manipulate us. How can we tell the difference?

  The answer is we have to get to know them first. We have to watch them carefully and observe how they treat others.

  So how long should we observe a potential friend or lover before giving them our trust? A month? Two months? A year? Two years? Everyone is different. How can we be sure? What if they’re just good at concealing their motives?

  Many of us react to the betrayal of sexual abuse by going to extremes. We trust everyone or we trust no one. We stop seeing people as unique individuals, and start believing that they’re all the same.

  “Those lousy women, they’re all lying, cheating backstabbers!” Or, “Men are pigs, and the world is their trough!”

  We see people in black and white. They’re all good or they’re all bad. We conclude that, “I have to trust everyone in order to get my needs met,” or “I can’t trust anyone because they’re all out to get me.” We take an unmeasured, irrational approach to the issue.

  Our beliefs about trust are often a product of our experiences. Is it any wonder that we, as survivors of sexual abuse, are afraid that people will turn out to be untrustworthy? We’ve experienced the worst humans are capable of. We’ve seen the lies and the hypocrisy.

  But to give up on finding healthy relationships with people of integrity is another form of self-abuse. We deserve trustworthy people in our lives. We deserve relationships with strong foundations. We deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

  If we expect healthy relationships with trustworthy people, we must first learn to be trustworthy ourselves. We need to examine our own actions. Are we true to our word? Do we make promises we can’t keep? What is our own record when it comes to this question of trust?

  Some survivors of sexual abuse strive to find the perfect partner or friend who will be completely trustworthy all of the time. We feel insecure. We don’t ever want to be hurt again. We don’t ever want to be lied to again. We want relationships that are completely safe. Relationships with people who are completely trustworthy, when in fact, no such person exists.

  While it may be impossible to find friends or lovers who are completely trustworthy, it is possible to find friends and lovers who are mostly trustworthy. Everyone make mistakes. It is possible to forgive. It’s possible to allow for another person’s faults and a certain degree of imperfection.

  So where do we draw the line? I believe that infidelity is unacceptable. Physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse is unacceptable. When people deceive us about the most important things in life, their behavior is unacceptable.

  Each person must determine where his/her own boundaries lie. Trust is not a black and white issue. It is a shade of gray. As survivors of sexual abuse, we don’t want to hear this. We want to feel completely safe, secure, and in control. We want to find that perfect person who will make us feel safe, secure, and in control. But absolute safety and security are not to be found on planet Earth, and the more we accept that fact, the more capable we become of facing life’s challenges.

  Deciding whether or not we will trust another person is often a struggle between wanting to have our needs met and wanting to feel safe. It is critical that we find a healthy balance between these two competing needs.

  At one extreme, we err on the side of caution, never taking a risk and never trusting anyone. When we make this mistake, we can end up feeling isolated and alone. We shut down and give in to our fear of betrayal. We give up on our need for love in an effort to feel safe.

  At the other extreme, we err on the side of risk, trusting people we barely know, falling in love with people we just met, and getting hurt over and over again. We give our trust too quickly. We ignore our safety in an effort to get the love we need.

  As I look back on my life, I realize that I have swung from one extreme to the other, never finding the middle. I threw myself into relationships too quickly and over-committed too rapidly. I trusted women within the first few months of a relationship, only to be rejected and betrayed. Then I would swing in the opposite direction, shut down completely, avoid relationships altogether, and isolate myself because I felt so afraid of taking a risk.

  Swinging from one extreme to the other becomes a self-destructive cycle. If we avoid relationships because we are afraid of getting hurt, our needs can grow so big over time that we end up abandoning safety and ignoring common sense. We then throw ourselves into intimate relationships with people we barely know. When our latest, ill-conceived relationship ends, we go back to isolating ourselves because we feel so hurt and depressed.

  Some of us grow increasingly bitter after each betrayal. “See, I got hurt again! No one is worthy of my trust. No one will ever treat me well. It’s completely hopeless.”

  Because we have a hard time finding balance with this question of trust, we should probably start with a policy that allows us to take a measured approach. Often it is easier to have a plan. Otherwise, we may find ourselves compromising too much of what we want in our relationships.

  The following is an example of my personal policy for relationships. I suggest that you develop your own policy if you have a hard time knowing when to trust others. You might use mine as a starting point. Modify whatever you like and keep whatever sounds reasonable to you. The policy we follow should be designed to help us move at a reasonable pace with our relationships. The risks we take in a relationship should always be measured.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: Intimate Relationship Policy

  Phase 1 – Months 1-4

  1. Do not throw yourself into a relationship: Remain where you are. Remain in your place of residence. Remain in your job. Maintain your usual activities. Remember that dating and the early stages of a relationship are a trial period. Do not allow your life to change in any significant way.

  2. Do not over-disclose about yourself: Refrain from telling a partner all the details of your history, especially the very personal parts. Refrain from putting yourself in a vulnerable situation with someone you cannot yet trust. Do not open yourself up too much during this time.

  3. Do not over-spend: Never make financial commitments that involve substantial risk during this phase. Examples of risky financial commitments are giving someone a loan, helping someone with their rent, or spending money on relocating to a new area. Your financial commitments should remain at
an amount of money you are willing to lose. For myself, this means less than one thousand dollars.

  4. Do not over-commit: Do not make promises for the future. Do not make wedding arrangements or long-term plans with someone in this phase. If it is an intimate relationship, you may want to commit to monogamy if you are comfortable doing so this quickly, but only if your partner is willing to make a similar commitment.

  5. Understand that you are more likely to overlook someone’s faults during this time. This is the “honeymoon phase.” If you realize that you can’t trust this person during Phase 1, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let the relationship continue.

  Phase 2 – Months 5-6

  1. Begin by disclosing more information about yourself. Wait for their reaction to determine if you can trust them with your disclosures. Talk about the things you want and don’t want from a relationship, and see if he/she feels the same way.

  2. Have a conversation about where you want the relationship to go. Do you want to continue to be friends with this person? Are you in love? Do you want the relationship to move to the next level?

  3. Do not make any major changes to your job or living arrangements. Maintain your usual activities.

  4. Do not make any long-term commitments or promises during this time.

  5. Try to look realistically at their faults. Can you live with their issues? How much do their faults concern you? Is your partner abusive in any way? Does he/she care about meeting your needs? Is he/she willing to compromise? Is he/she willing to work on his/her personal problems and work to better the relationship? Can your partner see and admit his/her shortcomings?

  6. If you have similar goals, if you both want your relationship to move to the next level, if you can live with each other’s faults, and you are happy with the answers to these questions, you may want to move to Phase 3. If you realize that you can’t trust this person during Phase 2, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let the relationship continue.

  Phase 3 – Months 7-9

  1. If you are in an intimate relationship and you are considering a commitment to this person, try living together first if it doesn’t violate your religious beliefs. Living together can be very different than dating. Try living together for at least 3 months before proceeding to the next phase.

  2. Have a conversation about living together. Is it something you think can work? Are there things you can do to make your life together more comfortable? Is your partner overly controlling about your living arrangements?

  3. Do not allow the move to severely disrupt your life. Keep your financial commitments to under a thousand dollars initially. Have an escape route. If you can, maintain your current residence while living with your partner, or make sure that you can move out at a moment’s notice. Do not move any great distance. Do not change jobs. Do not assume that it will work out.

  4. Do not make any long-term commitments or promises during this time.

  5. Try to look realistically at whether or not your partner has changed since you moved in with him/her. Has he/she begun to act differently? Has he/she become disrespectful? Do you enjoy living with this person? Are you comfortable, or are you “walking on egg-shells?” In what ways has he/she changed? Does your relationship make you feel better about yourself or worse?

  6. If you like your living arrangements and it seems to be working out, consider moving to the next phase. If you realize that you can’t trust this person during Phase 3, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let the relationship continue.

  Phase 4 – Months 10-12

  1. At this point, it is important to disclose anything else about yourself that may cause problems for the relationship. See if this person can be trusted with the information you want to share with them.

  2. If you are considering a long-term commitment, or even marriage, have a discussion about what you want. Talk about the way you believe married people should behave and the way they should treat one another. What does your partner expect from a marriage? Do they want children? Do you have similar spiritual beliefs?

  3. Do not make a long-term commitment at this point unless you are comfortable with the answers to these questions.

  4. Do not make any major life changes in this phase.

  5. If you feel happy about being together, living together, and the way your partner treats you, you may want to move to Phase 5. If you realize that you can’t trust this person during Phase 4, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let the relationship continue.

  Phase 5 – Month 13+

  1. At this point, you can make long-term commitments if you decide to and increase your level of risk. If your relationship has reached Phase 5, you have done a good job of finding balance between getting your needs met and ensuring your safety. It is important to ask your partner if he/she feels that his/her needs are being met in the relationship. If not, are there ways that you can both work to fix the problems? Are you able to show your partner that you love him/her in the way that he/she wants to be loved? (Please refer to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more information.) Both partners must feel that their needs are being met in the relationship to be happy.

  2. If you discover later that you can’t trust this person, or if you or he/she has become abusive or disrespectful, don’t let the relationship continue.

  While no plan is perfect, sticking to this plan can help us stay with partners who are trustworthy and avoid partners who are not. We can’t control whether a partner will be faithful. We can’t predict who will be worthy of our trust. So we need to have a policy for relationships that increases our chances of finding honest partners and friends. Caution is the best defense. A trustworthy partner will not be offended by our caution if we are reasonable about it. In fact, they’ll probably respect us more.

  Stepping Stones to Health

  Trust

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I don’t trust anyone, or I trust everyone right away.

  _____ 2. I have been hurt by people in the past.

  _____ 3. I have a hard time understanding who I should trust and when I should give my trust.

  _____ 4. I don’t know if I should trust anyone, because some people are untrustworthy.

  _____ 5. I am starting to think that I need to take a balanced approach to this issue of trust.

  _____ 6. I am coming up with a policy on how quickly I trust people and let them into my life.

  _____ 7. I approach people with caution and allow them to earn my trust. I only give my trust to people who tell the truth and show me they are trustworthy over time.

  Chapter 24 – Forgiving

  “Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.”

  -Mike D.

  Forgiveness can be thought of as the final step in the healing process. Some of us have attempted to forgive too quickly. I believe that genuine forgiveness only happens after we have processed our feelings and regained our self-esteem.

  The process we go through on our way to forgiving an abuser lies completely within our own hearts and minds. We cannot wait for the day our abusers will apologize for what they did. We cannot hold out for the day when they will finally love us.

  People tell survivors to just “get over it.” They don’t understand why we seem to hang onto the past or hold onto our pain. Why we continue to act out addictions or stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes our inability to forgive is an inconvenience to others. We’re no fun. Why do we keep bringing it up? Why can’t we just forget about it and move on?

  Most people who were never sexually abused cannot understand how damaging it is, or how difficult it can be to heal. Getting punched by a bully in fifth grade is not the kind of trauma we struggle with until we are forty years old, fifty years old, or for the rest of our lives. Lesser traumas tend to heal more quickl
y.

  Some people minimize the harmful and lasting effects of sexual abuse. They talk about what happened as if we had skinned our knee. Because they lack a common frame of reference, they truly cannot comprehend the depth of what we experienced.

  As survivors of sexual abuse, we feel guilty when we have a hard time forgiving our abusers. We berate ourselves for feeling so angry. We grow impatient with our own healing process. We interrogate ourselves with unfair questions.

  “Why is it so hard for me to get past this? Why am I having such a hard time healing? Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I let go?”

  One way to measure the trauma of sexual abuse is to compare it with other crimes and other survivors.

  What about robbery? As survivors of sexual abuse, we were definitely robbed. Robbed of our self-respect and self-esteem. Some of us were robbed of our virginity, our safety, and our dignity. We may have been robbed of our innocence or our childhood. Few victims of robbery can say they lost that much.

  Torture? Some of us endured torture not once or twice, but over years of sexual abuse. We experienced psychological, emotional, physical, and sexual torture. We were deeply traumatized and made to feel incredibly powerless.

  Murder? Many of us would have preferred death to the abuse we experienced. Some survivors give up hope and commit suicide. Others kill themselves slowly by staying in physically abusive relationships or destroying their bodies with drugs and alcohol. Some survivors continue to place themselves in risky situations by engaging in prostitution or working in the adult entertainment industry.

  Of course, it is not my intention to discount the trauma experienced by other types of survivors. I simply wish to illustrate that sexual abuse is the most hurtful thing one person can do to another. Yes, we can heal. But this kind of healing takes time.