Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Page 17
We do not need to try and forgive before we are ready to. It is not our job to make other people feel better about what happened to us. We need to heal at a pace we are comfortable with. We need to give ourselves credit, not only for surviving the trauma of sexual abuse, but for having the strength to continue to move forward with our lives.
Healing the pain of sexual abuse can be a long process. Reaching the point where we can forgive is a tremendous gift. Recurring flashbacks and nightmares about the abuse are not something any of us want to live with for the rest of our lives.
When true forgiveness happens, it is to be cherished and celebrated. It means that deep healing has occurred. It means we have begun to transcend something that was terribly painful. We have begun to overcome the past.
Until we are ready to forgive, it can be therapeutic to speak words of forgiveness out loud or write them in a journal, even if we don’t really believe them yet. Saying the words “I forgive you” can help us get in touch with all the reasons we can’t forgive. Speaking words of forgiveness can help us to process the pain, anger, and resentment that still lies within us.
Hanging on to anger and resentment can eventually hurt us more than the abuser. It drains our energy and keeps us focused on events in our past that were very negative. Yes, we need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings. But yes, it does feel better when we can finally let go.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Forgiving Abusers
Sometimes I say words of forgiveness out loud because it helps me get in touch with all the reasons I can’t forgive. It brings up all the pain and anger still inside of me.
“I forgive you for your betrayal and your treachery. As cruel as you were, I forgive you anyway. I forgive you for hurting me, and I give your pain back to you. I forgive you for the things you did to hurt me.
I forgive the blackness in your heart. I forgive you for the times you couldn’t love me, the times when you were cold and unavailable. I forgive you for your abuse and for your rage. For trying to scare me, control me, and use me for your own purposes.
I forgive your lack of concern for the way I felt. I forgive your ignorance and your cruelty.
I know there is a better person inside of you somewhere, even if you could not show it when you were abusing me. You need to heal your own pain, grief, and fear. I am not responsible for you. I am responsible for me.
I let go of what you did to me. I forgive you.”
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #2: Forgiving Ourselves
I have to let go. I need to move forward. I don’t want these memories renting space in my head anymore. I want to release my pain and my fear. I want to get past my temptation to sabotage myself and go back to my addictions. I want to transcend my anger and my resentments.
What is the solution? Forgiveness. Forgiving my inner child for being afraid. For wanting to survive. For wanting to be loved. For wanting to trust and have someone he could rely on. For wanting to be taken care of.
I need to cry and I need to grieve. But most of all, I need to forgive. Forgive myself for everything I did and didn’t do. For everything I wanted and didn’t want. For all of my love and all of my hate, all of my fear and all of my strength. To forgive every part of me that did what was necessary to survive years of abuse.
Process Questions
Who in my life will I eventually need to forgive?
What feelings come up for me when I think of forgiving that person?
What makes it difficult for me to forgive him/her?
What would have to happen for me to forgive him/her?
Think about all of the reasons you resent this person. Then practice saying, “I forgive you for (each item)” out loud, several times. Repeat this process daily until you begin to believe it. Write down whatever feelings come up for you and the reasons you find it difficult to forgive that person.
How can I process my feelings about this person? (Write him/her a letter I do not send, talk to a counselor or friend about what he/she did, sit with my feelings, cry, do some journaling, etc…)
Chapter 25 – Values
“If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere else.”
-Yogi Bera
To discover what we truly value, we need to ask ourselves a few important questions. What is it that I treasure and hold in high esteem? How do I spend my time and my money?
If we find that we are placing too much emphasis on the wrong things, it may be time to make a change. What would we like to focus on? Is our behavior consistent with our values? Will our actions bring about our heart’s desire?
Most of us don’t set out to become alcoholics or addicts, because addictive behavior is not consistent with our values. Addictions develop over time. They often grow worse without us even realizing it.
Each person’s values are slightly different, but most of us have similar beliefs about the difference between right and wrong. When we fail to live by our personal code of conduct, we are not living with integrity.
How do we feel when we look honestly at our behaviors, our actions, and the direction of our lives? Does our behavior measure up to our personal standards?
When our actions cause serious harm to others or ourselves, we may experience something deeper than guilt. We may believe that our actions are immoral or evil. Often the toughest judge and the harshest critic is the one inside our own heads.
Sometimes our morals and values are like a compass, pointing us in the direction of true north. They can tell us which actions and behaviors lead to a better life, positive self-esteem, and greater love for ourselves and others.
Other times we judge ourselves unfairly. We become too critical and demanding. If we can never do a good enough job and can never get it right, we will always feel guilty and ashamed. It’s important to try to keep this darker side of our values in check so it doesn’t take control of our lives. This shame-based part of us grows stronger as we grow weaker. It wants us to hurt.
It’s important to remember that we don’t have to be perfect, but must always work to improve ourselves. We are on a journey from a state of greater ignorance to a state of greater understanding. As we learn and grow, our behaviors change. We learn to recognize our own, unhealthy behavior patterns.
Judging ourselves too harshly can mire us in shame and guilt. It blocks the natural flow of life and the normal growth process.
We can change. We can heal the abuse of our past. We need not sentence ourselves to a life of misery.
Self-condemnation is unhealthy. Perfectionism is unhealthy. We are all human and we all make mistakes. It’s okay. We’re on the same path. We’re all imperfect.
Perfectionists are lying to themselves and the world. They labor endlessly in an attempt to measure up to impossible standards, because they’re too afraid to accept the reality of who they are. And who are they, really? They’re human. They’re imperfect and insecure, just like the rest of us.
It’s important to become more comfortable with our humanity. We need to avoid judging ourselves too harshly. Instead, we can accept where we are and focus our energy on the positive goals we’d like to accomplish.
Sometimes we have very little control over our circumstances. But success is not a measure of the circumstances we find ourselves in. It is a measure of our attitudes and our actions.
We were sexually abused. Those are the circumstances. If we survived this long, we have every right to feel good about ourselves. We have displayed courage, strength, and personal resolve. This is the true measure of our success.
Judging ourselves too harshly can become a form of self-abuse. We need to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. If we have unhealthy behavior patterns, we must realize that we can work to change them over time. Addictions are difficult to overcome and deep emotional trauma is slow to heal. Being patient and persistent always pays off, especially with the more difficult challenges in life.
The opposite
of judging ourselves too harshly is failing to look honestly at our own faults. As humans, there are times when we try to blame our personal shortcomings on others. Sometimes we complain about a partner but fail to see how we attract people who mistreat us. We criticize others for their addictions or selfish behaviors, but fail to see our own.
When we remain blind to our personal issues, we fail to develop the motivation necessary to change. Sometimes we have to experience negative consequences before we recognize we have a problem.
We cannot stop this world from producing abusers. We cannot change a partner or parent who does not want to change. The problems in our lives that deserve the most attention are the ones inside our own hearts and minds.
Certainly we can advocate for greater education to prevent sexual abuse. We can support increased funding for treatment. We can network with other survivors to create support groups that make us feel less isolated and more understood. But our emphasis must always be on healing ourselves.
When we work to align our behavior with our values, we develop greater insight into where we’re at, where we want to go, and what it will take to get there.
Exercise 25-1
Defining Our Values
On a blank piece of paper, make a list of the top ten things you value most. Rank them from 1-10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being the least.
Then take another piece of paper and divide it into two columns. The first column will be entitled, “My current behavior concerning this value.” The second column will be called, “The kinds of behavior that would support this value.”
“My current behavior concerning this value,” includes the amount of money or time that you spend with this person or thing, how often you think about this person or thing, and actions you currently take that support this person or thing. It also includes anything you do that sabotages or hurts this person or thing.
When filling out “The kinds of behavior that would support this value” column, brainstorm anything you could do that would support this person or thing. This might include spending more time or money on this person or thing. It could mean giving this person or thing more of your attention. It might include taking steps to ensure the safety of the person or thing you value.
Repeat this exercise for each of the top ten things on your list. When you are finished, try to find any discrepancies between the first and second columns. In what ways do your actions support your values? In what ways do they conflict? What do you need to work on? In which areas are you doing well?
Chapter 26 – Self-Care
“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care
begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and
happiness from others.”
-Jennifer Louden
Good self-care is a critical part of our healing process. It’s important that we make every effort to meet our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.
Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world. Sometimes we need to make compromises. When we can’t meet our needs in exactly the way we’d like, we need to do the next best thing. It’s not enough to say, “I can’t afford the hundred-dollar per month membership at the gym of my choice, so I guess I can’t exercise and be healthy.”
There are cheaper alternatives. How much would it cost to buy an exercise bike or a punching bag? Hiking, jogging, or doing pushups and sit-ups on a daily basis is not outside anyone’s price range. Sometimes we need to meet our needs in simpler, less expensive ways.
Low self-esteem can make it hard for us to take good care of ourselves. We may begin to overlook or ignore the most basic aspects of self-care.
The first type of need we may overlook is physical. We may stop going to the doctor and getting regular check-ups. We may stop eating healthy food or getting enough sleep. Some of us lose interest in our appearance, get fewer haircuts, and stop exercising.
We may turn to alcohol and drugs. Turning to an addiction is the opposite of self-care. Addictions are destructive to our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. As our addictions get worse, so does our self-esteem. Our bodies become ill. We develop stomach ulcers, heart disease, bronchitis, or lung cancer. Taking care of ourselves physically means working to overcome our addictions.
Some of us engage in risky sexual behavior or have unprotected sex. This behavior can become very self-destructive.
I know men who argue that wearing a condom kills the enjoyment, but underneath that sentiment is often a part of them that feels self-destructive. A part of them that doesn’t care if they catch a sexually transmitted disease or spread it to others. When people engage in risky sexual behavior, they are not taking care of themselves physically.
The second type of need we may overlook is emotional. As survivors of sexual abuse, it is incredibly important to process our feelings on a regular basis. I try to spend time working through my sexual abuse issues at least twice a week.
When we fail to process our emotions, we can get stuck in resentment, anger, grief, and low self-esteem. It’s important to release these toxic feelings on a regular basis by experiencing them and allowing them to pass through us.
Sometimes we overlook our need for love, either because we don’t love ourselves, or because we have a hard time accepting love from others. If we believe that we do not deserve to be loved, we may begin to isolate ourselves. The reality is that we need healthy relationships to feel more connected. When we have people in our lives who care about us, we feel supported, nurtured, and validated.
Sometimes we break off healthy relationships because we suffer from low self-esteem. We give up on relationships and decide that it’s easier to just sit in our house, smoke cigarettes, and watch television. While this behavior might make us feel safe, we become increasingly depressed over time. Humans are social animals. We need other people.
Another need we may overlook is our need to have fun. When was the last time you engaged in your favorite hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? A major symptom of depression is giving up or decreasing hobbies or recreational activities. When we feel depressed, we stop taking care of ourselves and stop doing the things we enjoy. We begin to lose interest in life.
We should always remember to have fun. There are times when we need to kick back and enjoy the moment. My definition of the perfect hobby is something so fun and interesting that I loose track of time.
Laughter is another important emotional outlet. Some of us were taught to remain serious in every situation. We may have grown up in families of addiction and abuse where the atmosphere was dark and heavy. We need to give ourselves permission to laugh. Funny movies, books, plays, and television programs can help us clear our minds. Laughter is a great way to relieve stress and tension. When we can laugh at ourselves, it helps us to let go.
Sometimes we neglect our mental needs. Most of us want to keep learning. It’s important to push ourselves to discover new hobbies, activities, and interests. Taking college classes, joining a discussion group, going to church, watching informative programs, reading good literature, and engaging in creative or artistic pursuits can help keep us interested and engaged in life.
Sometimes we need to analyze our thinking. What do we spend most of our time thinking about? Do our thoughts tend to be negative or illogical? Do we tend to exaggerate our problems or fail to appreciate the good things in life? If our negativity is a frequent or long-term pattern, we may need to see a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression.
What about our spiritual needs? Most of us believe in the existence of a higher power in one form or another. It’s important for us to nurture our spiritual connection. When we feel angry or depressed about issues of sexual abuse, some of us are tempted to blame God. Where was He/She when we needed Him/Her? Having been sexually abuse makes it hard to trust God, have faith, and believe that everything will work out in the end.
Sometimes we stop praying, going to church, or talki
ng to God. We harbor resentments and think that God didn’t care. We believe that our abuse was some kind of divine punishment.
Sometimes we don’t understand what it is that God wants us to learn from the situations in our lives. In my own experiences, I have found it easier to understand why things happened the way they did when I look back on my past.
If we believe that God is real, we must work to develop a stronger relationship with Him/Her. We must search for meaning in life, because meaning is what feeds our soul.
This is only a partial list of our needs and the ways we can take better care of ourselves. Everyone is different, but the need for self-care is universal. I have included my own list of self-care activities below, as well as the things I do regularly to decrease my stress. These are only examples and I encourage you to make your own list. Follow up on the things you need to do to take care of yourself. You will feel better. Your self-esteem will improve. This is a necessary part of your healing process.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Creating a Balanced Life
Things I have done to meet my needs:
1. Working
2. Getting Regular Dental And Health Care
3. Cleaning The House And Car
4. Getting Regular Haircuts
5. Getting Regular Massages
6. Playing With The Dog
7. Playing Piano
8. Calling Friends And Going Out
9. Going To Martial Arts Class
10. Going Hiking/Cycling
11. Engaging In Sports
12. Going To Church
13. Traveling
14. Volunteering
15. Furthering My Education
16. Deep Relaxation By Candle-Light
17. Dating