Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Read online

  18. Dancing

  19. Doing The Emotional Work In This Book

  20. Acupuncture

  21. Playing Computer Games

  22. Watching Movies

  23. Taking A Hot Tub/Bath

  24. Getting Organized

  25. Reading

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #2: Reducing Stress

  Actions that reduce my stress:

  1. Having A Routine

  2. Working

  3. Abstaining From Caffeine, Nicotine, And Alcohol

  4. Watching Or Listening To Comedy

  5. Taking A Hot Tub/Bath/Shower

  6. Getting A Massage

  7. Acupuncture

  8. Praying

  9. Deep Relaxation by Candlelight

  10. Listening to Soft Music

  11. Playing Piano

  12. Exercise/Running/Kick-Boxing

  13. Cleaning The House And Car

  14. Getting A Haircut

  15. Cutting Fingernails/Putting Lotion On My Hands And Feet

  16. Playing Computer Games

  17. Playing With The Dog

  18. Going Out To Eat

  19. Having Healthy Sex

  20. Writing About The Stress In My Life

  21. Talking About Stress With Family/Friends

  22. Doing The Emotional Work In This Book

  23. Maintaining Healthy Relationships

  Stepping Stones to Health

  Self-Care

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I do not take care of myself and I don’t care.

  _____ 2. I have noticed that I feel bad when I don’t take care of myself.

  _____ 3. I am tired of feeling bad about myself.

  _____ 4. I did something to take care of myself and it made me feel better.

  _____ 5. I am starting to enjoy looking good and feeling good.

  _____ 6. I am learning that I need to meet my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.

  _____ 7. I regularly take good care of myself, because I like how it makes me feel.

  Chapter 27 – Unhealthy Relationships

  “Let’s face it…most relationships you have in life don’t work out.”

  -Alex Bennett

  Unhealthy relationships are those that fail to meet our needs for love and respect. Many of us developed unhealthy patterns when we were sexually abused. We may repeat these same patterns later in our adult lives.

  When we examine the facts, we find that the divorce rate in our country has risen to well over fifty percent. What does this mean? Are our relationships getting worse, or have we become less tolerant of the problems we experience? Do we expect too much?

  I have found no evidence to suggest that the average relationship has gotten better or worse over time. There has always been domestic violence. There has always been adultery. People have always experienced problems in their relationships. What seems to have changed is the way we handle those problems.

  In the past, men and women were expected to simply endure their partner’s negative behaviors. They were expected to keep quiet about the problems they were having.

  America is a grand experiment. With the advent of equal rights, women’s liberation, advances in the fields of therapy and counseling, shelter and protection for abused women and children, and the proliferation of no-fault divorce, our standards and expectations for relationships have risen. People expect to be treated with dignity and respect. We look for specific characteristics in a partner like compatibility, mutual interests, religious orientation, sexual attraction, and a stable financial situation. The list of characteristics people are “shopping for” has become unrealistic. Gone are the days when finding a partner was simple.

  In a sense, we have become incredibly spoiled. Our relationships have progressed from arranged marriages, where a bride and groom were given no choice about whom to marry, to today’s unrestrained freedom of choice. Most of us want the fairy tale romance we read about in pulp fiction novels. We want relationships that will make us feel better, never cause stress in our lives, and perfectly meet all of our needs.

  We are living on planet Earth. Even healthy couples have disagreements and struggle from time to time. Is it fair to hold our partner to standards so high that we ourselves could never measure up to them?

  I believe the level of commitment people are willing to make to relationships today is the lowest it has ever been. People are divorcing for increasingly trivial reasons. There is little cultural pressure to stay in a relationship and work through the problems.

  In my view, there are too many of us who lack motivation to change our behavior. We are encouraged to indulge our fantasies and our dreams. Why take responsibility for our personal defects of character if we don’t have to? It’s easier to pay for a no-fault divorce.

  Of course, some of the trends emerging from this movement have been tremendously positive. In the past, when people were being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, they had no legitimate means of escape. People had no way to remove themselves from an abusive relationship. Many men and women stayed in relationships that were damaging to their self-esteem. They accepted disrespect, cruelty, or even abuse from their partners.

  Where is the balance? As a society, we have obviously not found it.

  There have always been people who abused others and were unable to compromise. There have always been people who could not allow for any imperfections in their partner. People of this type are incapable of developing healthy relationships, because insisting on perfection from another human being is cruel and unrealistic.

  We need to take things slowly before committing to a relationship and giving someone our trust.

  As survivors of sexual abuse, what kinds of people are we attracted to? Abusers or other survivors of abuse? If we find ourselves attracted to unhealthy partners, than we are as much to blame as they are.

  The five characteristics of a good relationship are respect, trust, communication, boundaries, and support.

  In Chapter 28, I describe issues of respect in greater detail. But unhealthy partners also have problems with trust. They fail to trust others or become overly controlling or jealous. They often lie or misrepresent the truth. Life with a dishonest partner becomes a game of “catch me if you can.”

  Some unhealthy partners have difficulty with communication. They fail to communicate the things they want or need from a relationship. They use accusatory or vague statements like, “You’re always messing things up.” Healthy communication involves “I” statements that are specific. An example of an “I” statement might be, “I don’t feel respected when you show up 30 minutes late for dinner.”

  Another characteristic of an unhealthy partner is that they fail to respect our boundaries. They continue to act in ways we feel uncomfortable with, like flirting with the opposite sex or failing to live up to their commitments. Sometimes they have difficulty setting healthy boundaries with others.

  Finally, unhealthy partners are unsupportive. They abuse or criticize us when we feel down instead of building us up or helping us to face the challenges of life. An unsupportive partner may fail to provide encouragement, money, love, commitment, intimacy, or time to a relationship.

  Abusive relationships can be a disaster, and each new abusive relationship will be just as painful as the last. When children or financial commitments are involved, abusive relationships can cause a great deal of suffering for everyone involved.

  Whether we realize it or not, we are often attracted to people who struggle with the same issues we do. Every woman I ever dated was a survivor of sexual abuse. How could I have known that before I started dating them? I don’t seem to remember asking, “Excuse me, but are you a survivor of sexual abuse? I only date women who have the same issues I do.”

  No, I was never consciously aware of this pattern. Yet in every relationship, I eventually
discovered that the person I was with had been sexually abused. Now I finally understand how this happened. Why I kept repeating the same, sick relationships. It was because I never fully resolved my sexual abuse issues.

  This pattern was not an accident. We are attracted to certain characteristics in another person. I believe that we can sense these characteristics on a subconscious level.

  Why do we feel attracted to abusers? It is because our mind is constantly trying to resolve whatever issues we still struggle with. It is attracted to unfinished business. If we have unresolved issues around sexual abuse, we may find ourselves attracted to abusers or other survivors of abuse.

  Sometimes we end up moving from one unhealthy relationship to the next. Is this our fault? Is it something we can control, or are there just too many “screwed-up people” in this world?

  What will happen if we get into a relationship with an abuser or another survivor of abuse? Most of us have experienced a string of failed relationships. It’s as if we are doomed to repeating the same mistake over and over again until we have learned the lesson.

  The way to reverse this pattern is two-fold. First, we need to become more cautious about our choice of partners. We need to allow more time to pass before we commit to a relationship. We need to be willing to ask for other people’s opinions about our partner if we suspect that we are not seeing them clearly.

  And second, we need to heal our sexual abuse issues. As we become healthier ourselves, we will attract healthier partners.

  We need to be realistic. There are things about every partner that will irritate us. Our goal is to find partners who are willing to work on their issues. Partners who will not abandon hope at the first sign of trouble. We are more likely to find partners with integrity when we give the courtship process more time.

  When we are ready to commit to a relationship, we need to ask ourselves, “Can I live with his/her quirks? Can I accept this person as he/she is right now?” A partner may have great potential, but you can’t marry potential. You can only marry another human being. Most of us don’t change that much or that quickly.

  Some of us try to turn our partners into a project, which is both disrespectful and unrealistic. If there are things about our partner that we simply can’t live with, we need to resolve those issues before committing to a relationship.

  By working on ourselves and becoming more cautious about the partners we choose, we start to move in the right direction. We cannot control whether we will ever find our soul-mate. That is not for us to know. But as we work to heal ourselves, all of our relationships will become more loving.

  Exercise 27-1

  Relationship Errors

  -Try to identify which relationship errors you have made in the past, and how you can correct those mistakes in the future.

  1. Unrealistic Expectations – Wanting a partner to be perfect often comes from feeling vulnerable or needy ourselves. Instead of meeting our own needs and working to improve our self-esteem, we want prince or princess charming to sweep us off our feet. Getting into a relationship is not a solution for our personal issues.

  2. Fixing Loneliness – The best way to address feelings of loneliness is to learn to love ourselves. Some of us feel lonely because we can’t enjoy our own company. On the other hand, if we tend to isolate or spend too much time alone, we may need to reach out and take a risk. We may need to go out with a group of friends or start dating again. We may need to get a pet. We meet new people when we get involved in hobbies and recreational activities or go to church.

  3. Fear Of Abandonment – If we find ourselves clinging to a partner or wanting them to be there for us all the time, it is because we are afraid of abandonment. This is an inner child issue. Our inner child may have felt abandoned in the past, and may still be afraid. We need to work with our inner child to help him/her feel safe and secure without always depending on a partner.

  4. Not Deserving Love – When we believe that we don’t deserve to be loved, we often choose partners who are incapable of giving us the love we need. We must come to the realization that we are worthy. We must be willing to leave partners who cannot give us the love we deserve.

  5. Losing Faith – After a string of failed relationships, we may start to believe that we are cursed. We may decide that we should settle for less. Lowering our standards is not the solution. We need to continue striving for healthy and fulfilling relationships.

  6. Blaming The Other Person – Most of us have a hard time examining our own faults when a relationship ends. We blame our partner for everything that went wrong. Sometimes we have difficulty taking an honest look at the way our behavior contributed to the break-up. Were we dishonest in some way? Were we unwilling to work on our own problems or issues? Did we feel like we always had to be right? Were we incapable of compromise? What patterns do we keep repeating in our relationships? What is the reason we were attracted to our ex-husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend in the first place?

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: Attracting Survivors of Abuse

  I just realized that I still have problems with relationships. I am still attracted to survivors of sexual abuse. I haven’t finished healing my own issues, so how can I expect to attract a partner that would be good for me?

  The answer is, “I can’t!”

  I have to heal myself before I can attract and be attracted to partners who would be good for me. Right now, I am still attracted to partners with a lot of issues.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #2: Relationship Affirmations

  1. I forgive myself for having issues in relationships.

  2. I ask God to help me heal these issues.

  3. I give love freely in all of my relationships.

  4. I love myself freely when I’m in a relationship.

  5. I deserve good relationships.

  6. I am ready to work through my issues.

  7. People love me just the way I am.

  8. I am ready to build a healthy relationship.

  Entry #3: What I Want In a Relationship

  1. We are trustworthy.

  2. We are supportive of each other.

  3. We have a spiritual connection.

  4. We are intelligent.

  6. We are idealistic and want the best for everyone.

  7. We have big hearts and show our love for one another by behaving in a loving manner.

  8. We are willing to work through our issues and stay together.

  9. Our relationship is meant to be.

  Chapter 28 – Respect in Relationships

  “To respect others is always an option, to disrespect is always a mistake.”

  -Jason Goodwin

  Respect happens in relationships when we honor one another, respect each other’s boundaries, and treat each other in the way we want to be treated. Respect is an essential component of a good relationship.

  To respect others is always an option, to disrespect is always a mistake.

  The most obvious measure of a person’s moral development is their actions. How do people behave when they are experiencing hard times, feeling powerless, or difficult things are happening in their lives?

  A less morally developed person disrespects others regardless of the way they are treated in return. Our perpetrators fall into this category. They abused us. We may have begged them to stop. We may have tried to please them sexually or comply with their wishes, hoping they would leave us alone or stop hurting us.

  Someone at a moderate level of moral development respects others only when they receive it in return. This is the kind of mutual, two-way respect most of us expect from our relationships.

  People at the highest level of moral development respect others, even when they do not receive it in return. Great figures in history who exhibited exceptional character include Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr.

  It’s important to recognize that these men were not afraid of confrontation. Gandhi organized
peaceful protests that resulted in the end of British rule in India. Martin Luther King organized peace marches that put pressure on congress to sign the Civil Rights Act. This landmark piece of legislation helped move our country in the direction of ending racial discrimination. Jesus defied the rulers of his day and questioned the morality of the Pharisees. People of exceptional character often inspire us to greater heights.

  The three levels of moral development correspond with three different types of relationships. The first is a broken relationship. These relationships are characterized by mutual disrespect. In a broken relationship, both partners criticize and abuse one-another. Broken relationships often end in divorce, prolonged legal battles, or even violence.

  The second is a one-sided relationship. In one-sided relationships, one partner offers respect, encouragement, and support to the other, but receives only criticism and abuse in return. People will only stay in a one-sided relationship for as long as they are willing to tolerate their partner’s cruelty.

  The third is a balanced relationship. Balanced relationships tend to last, because they are built on a solid foundation of mutual respect.

  Less morally developed people often fail to love others in a genuine way. The only time they give respect is when they want something. Their public life as a pastor, lawyer, doctor, or politician is the show they put on to gain public approval. But behind closed doors, they may be very angry or abusive.

  Less morally developed people may pretend to be the kind of person you want them to be. One of my clients told me, “The first six months of a relationship is all an act. You don’t usually find out who someone is until after that.”

  Less morally developed people put on an act for personal gain. In contrast, a person who loves others genuinely wants to give of themselves. They aim to improve the health, happiness, and welfare of another human being.

  There are ways to determine whether a partner’s love is genuine. Do they continue to love others freely, even when they have nothing to gain? Do they become increasingly disrespectful over time? Do they often behave selfishly or criticize others?