Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Read online

  It’s important to be cautious about how quickly we give our trust in a relationship. We need to move slowly and carefully. We need to really watch people and get to know them first before jumping into a potentially dangerous situation with an acquaintance, friend, or lover.

  When we find partners who continue to love freely, even when they have nothing to gain, we have probably found someone we can trust.

  Respectful people are capable of compromise. They don’t always have to get their way. Someone who desperately holds on to what he/she wants will eventually have to lie, cheat, or steal to get it.

  Healthy relationships are not about winning. Winning or losing is only important when we are playing games, and relationships are not a game. They are about growing together and supporting one another through the good times and the bad.

  The truth is that we can’t always get what we want. Sometimes we have to delay or even sacrifice things we want in favor of mutual goals.

  How can we identify people who have difficulty letting go? One sign is frequent arguing. If someone has to be right all the time, or they are willing to treat others in a cruel or demeaning way, they probably have a hard time letting go.

  Do they obsess about the way the house is kept? Do they pick at you about your mannerisms or characteristics? Do they frequently try to control or manipulate you? Do they often get jealous or hostile? Do they try to keep you away from healthy family and friends?

  Controlling partners can become dangerous. They need to have things their way and may be unwilling to respect our choices. They will manipulate us, criticize us, or abuse us when we disagree with them.

  Sometimes controllers can learn how to let go. They may come to realize when they are being too controlling and decide to share power equally in their relationships. Others are so obsessed, so manipulative, and so blind to what they are doing that they will never stop trying to control everyone and everything around them. We need to remember that it is not within our power to change someone else.

  Abusive people criticize us or treat us poorly in an attempt to break down our self-esteem. One way to evaluate our relationships is to ask, “Do I usually feel better or worse about myself after spending time with him/her?” The answer to this question may help us determine whether our partner is usually supportive or usually abusive.

  Abusive people say or imply that we’re not good enough. Given enough time, they discover our weaknesses and learn how to attack us in the ways that hurt the most. Eventually, we begin to agree with their criticism. We start to believe that we must be terrible, awful, worthless people.

  It’s impossible to maintain our self-esteem when we are constantly under attack. We’re only human. We’ll never be perfect. None of us can stand up to a barrage of criticism about all of our faults and weaknesses.

  It’s important to learn the difference between constructive and abusive criticism. The difference generally lies with a person’s intentions. We need to ask ourselves, “Are they trying to help me grow as a person, or are they just trying to cut me down?” We should always accept constructive criticism, and always reject the abusive kind.

  Another way to recognize abusive criticism is if it’s very frequent. If you get hit with a barrage of criticism on a daily basis, there’s a good chance that your partner’s criticism is designed to abuse you. When criticism is directed at characteristics of your body, mind, or personality that you cannot change, it is always abuse.

  During wartime, a soldier tries to discover and exploit his enemy’s weaknesses. In this way, abusive relationships are like a war. Abusers try to attack and exploit our vulnerabilities so they can break us down and control us.

  Don’t believe you can win this war. Eventually, the only ones left on a battlefield are the dead and the injured.

  In the past, I stayed in abusive relationships because I believed that my partners would change. For some reason, I kept making excuses for them.

  I no longer accept abuse and I will never stay in an abusive relationship again. Abuse and disrespect are not an accident. They are intentional. When we have tried to stand up to a partner who abuses or disrespects us and they refuse to change, we need to end it. Our self-respect is too important.

  Sometimes others fail to respect us until we learn to respect ourselves. There are times when we need to remove ourselves from an unhealthy work environment. We may need to cut off contact with an abusive family member or friend. Ultimately, we have no control over the way others choose to act. We can only stand our ground and enforce our boundaries.

  Some of us are more likely to tolerate abuse or disrespect when we feel afraid of losing love, money, security, or stability. But how valuable are those things when we have to pay for them with our self-respect?

  Some partners can never learn to be supportive. They will continue to criticize us, distance themselves, be unreliable, or maintain multiple affections.

  A partner who engages in unrelenting criticism is clearly unsupportive. Instead of building us up or making us feel better about ourselves, they try to break us down in an attempt to manipulate or control us.

  People who distance themselves often decrease the amount of time they spend with us or fail to return phone calls. They say things like, “I just need some space.” Partners like this often have issues with commitment. They may be incapable of giving us the love and support we need.

  Supportive partners want to be close to us. Though it is healthy for each partner to maintain his/her own interests and activities, intimacy is an important part of a strong relationship.

  People who fail to follow through on their commitments are unsupportive. These people have a hard time taking responsibility. It’s difficult to trust them, because you never know what they’re going to do. They lack consistency with the way they act and the way they feel.

  Finally, a person who maintains multiple affections is afraid of commitment. Being put on a waiting list of potential suitors often feels demeaning and degrading. Competing for a partner’s affections is not the kind of game most of us are willing to play.

  In summary, what are the characteristics of a respectful partner?

  They genuinely care about others, even when they have nothing to gain. They are able to let go and consider other people’s needs.

  They help to bolster our self-esteem. They are willing to compromise and learn. They genuinely care about our welfare, and are willing to change their negative behaviors. We must also be willing to change any behaviors that are hurtful or disrespectful to them.

  The best way to attract healthy partners is to become the person we want to meet. When we have personal flaws that make it hard for us to be faithful, honest, or respectful in our relationships, we need to work on ourselves. As our behavior improves, we begin to demand better from others.

  Chapter 29 – Healthy Relationships

  “Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.”

  -Louise Beal

  We need to strive to create good relationships. Healthy relationships build us up, support us when we’re feeling down, and improve the quality of our lives. Unhealthy relationships are a drain on our self-esteem, our finances, and can end up making our lives worse than if we had simply remained alone.

  Unfortunately, there are more unhealthy relationships in this world than healthy ones. More people get divorced than stay together. More families argue and disrespect one another than get along. More bosses are selfish and unsupportive than helpful and generous. It’s important to try and surround ourselves with healthy people.

  Sometimes we don’t have good relationships with members of our immediate family, so we need to find healthy relationships with pastors or teachers. We need to find friends we can trust.

  No relationship is perfect, but some marriages are stronger than others. Some friends are very trustworthy. When we find most of what we are looking for in a relationship, we should consider ourselves truly blessed.

  People who are willing to
work on themselves and change their negative behaviors can often make their relationships work. Some people are willing to examine their actions, recognize their mistakes, and work to fix the problems.

  If we are unwilling to look realistically at our own faults and do the work necessary to improve our behavior, our relationships can quickly become one-sided. It is not enough to admit that we have a problem. We have to be willing to make a change. We have to be willing to learn and grow.

  People with the willingness to change may be rare, but they do exist. Have you ever known someone who truly supported and respected others? Someone who was open to constructive criticism and willing to work on him/herself? Someone you really liked and admired?

  Can we measure up to these standards ourselves? Are we respectful, trustworthy, loving, and supportive? If not, how can we work to overcome our shortcomings? What can we do to cultivate these positive traits within ourselves?

  Can we set healthy boundaries with our own behavior? Can we set healthy boundaries on the behavior of others? Can we love others, even when we have nothing to gain? Can we support others, even when it involves personal sacrifice?

  Can we become men and women of integrity? Are we engaged in addictions or behaviors that make us feel guilty or ashamed? Do we lie, cheat, or steal to get what we want? Are we truthful about our feelings, or do we keep secrets?

  When we truly care about others and work to meet their needs, we win friends, companions, and partners. Love increases love, and one act of kindness leads to another.

  Even if we haven’t had healthy relationships in the past, that doesn’t mean we can’t cultivate them in our lives today. We are not cursed. We do not have to choose partners who disrespect us. We do not have to stay in relationships with people who abuse us.

  Working to create good relationships in our lives is a critical part of our healing process. Many of us were raised by parents or family members who mistreated us or abused us. Without proper role models, we may have never learned the value of respect, trust, communication, boundaries, and support.

  How To Win Friends And Influence People, an excellent book by Dale Carnegie, describes how taking a genuine interest in others often results in them taking a genuine interest in us. When we show others that we care for them, they are more likely to care for us in return.

  Try the suggestions in this chapter. Try thinking of other people’s needs more often. Try to become less selfish. Try to develop integrity, and act in ways you will not later regret. When we are motivated by love, we feel better about ourselves. We begin to overcome the self-abuse of our past, and stop accepting abuse from others.

  There is a better way to live and to love. To attract healthy partners, we must become the person we want to meet. As we work to create better relationships with ourselves, we develop the tools we need to create lasting, healthy relationships with others.

  Stepping Stones to Health

  Good Relationships

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I am unhappy with a relationship that is verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive, but I am too afraid to end it.

  _____ 2. I am unhappy with a verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship and I have approached my partner about going to therapy or couples counseling to talk about our problems.

  _____ 3. I have approached a verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive partner about doing therapy or marital counseling but he or she is unwilling to work on themselves or to change.

  _____ 4. I have decided that I need to get out of this verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship, but I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid for myself and my children.

  _____ 5. I have contacted a women’s/men’s shelter or a supportive family member so I will have a place to stay, and I am willing to involve the police if necessary to break off this abusive relationship.

  _____ 6. I have broken off a verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive relationship and I feel very hurt.

  _____ 7. I am angry and cynical about relationships because of what happened to me.

  _____ 8. I am working to heal myself because I know I can’t have good relationships until I become healthy.

  _____ 9. I am working to understand my own issues in relationships, and trying to change my patterns and behaviors.

  _____ 10. I have spent some time working on myself and have become interested in dating again.

  _____ 11. I have learned from the mistakes I made in the past, and have decided to approach relationships cautiously.

  _____ 12. I take my time getting to know people, and am careful about giving them my trust (I give it at least a year before making any major commitments).

  _____ 13. I promptly break off any relationship that become verbally, physically, psychologically, or sexually abusive.

  _____ 14. I am currently seeking or have found a relationship that is supportive instead of abusive.

  Chapter 30 – Staying Healthy

  “Empowerment does not mean gaining power or control over this world.

  It means gaining power and control over our own decisions.”

  -Jason Goodwin

  Overcoming the effects of sexual abuse may be the most difficult challenge of our lives. Sexual abuse forces us to answer questions like, “Am I a bad person? Can I be brainwashed into believing I am a bad person? Can I be manipulated into abusing others? Can I be manipulated into abusing myself?”

  The way we answer these fundamental questions determines whether we prolong the cycle of abuse or end it. Whether we get stuck in our pain or choose to heal it. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, or take back our power, our choices, and our lives.

  Empowerment does not mean gaining power or control over this world. It means gaining power and control over our own decisions. Deciding for ourselves how we want to be treated. Deciding for ourselves how we will treat others. Deciding for ourselves who we are, what we deserve, and what we will create with our lives.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: Helping Ourselves When We Are Hurting

  I recently broke off an abusive relationship for the first time in my life. She was so good to me at first. I trusted her. But there was too much I didn’t know. I moved in with her too quickly.

  Within a month of living together, she became verbally abusive. She would yell and scream at me in an effort to make me feel bad about myself. She blamed me for the problems we were having and was completely unwilling to look at her own issues.

  Her abuse was my final test. I had moved all the way to Canada to be with her. I knew that if I ended the relationship, I would have no money, no job, and no place to live. I would lose everything I owned.

  I had spent $10,000 moving to Canada and had gone an additional $10,000 in debt. I knew that if I broke off the relationship, my life would be completely shattered.

  “Should I get out of this abusive relationship?” I asked myself. “Even if it means losing everything?” My answer, for the first time in my life, was a resounding “Yes.” I had to leave, no matter the cost.

  It is truly a blessing when we can finally see the fork in the road. When we finally see the difference between following that old, familiar path and embarking on a new, more rewarding journey.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #2: Getting What You Work For

  About two and a half months ago I announced to my parents, “I’ve done it! I’ve finally worked through my sexual abuse issues!”

  They said they were very happy for me. After years of struggle, I felt that I had finally achieved success.

  The next day, my father told me that the receptionist at his dentist’s office noticed me the last time I came in for a cleaning. She had written her phone number on the back of her business card.

  I called her the following day and we went ou
t on a date. To my surprise, we were extremely compatible.

  Since that time, I have been truly blessed to know her. She is a loving, wonderful, and very supportive person. I realize now that the time of our meeting was not a coincidence. We attend church services together and I believe that I have finally found my best friend and soul-mate.

  I have worked so hard to heal the sexual abuse of my past. Perhaps God has given me my reward.

  Stepping Stones to Health

  Staying Healthy

  -Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

  _____ 1. I am working to overcome my chemical and behavioral addictions.

  _____ 2. I allow myself to experience my emotions instead of repressing them.

  _____ 3. I avoid self-sabotage.

  _____ 4. I am processing feelings of shame, guilt, and depression.

  _____ 5. I am working to heal my inner child.

  _____ 6. I try to let go of the things I cannot control.

  _____ 7. I am resolving issues of betrayal, violation, and trust.

  _____ 8. I am acting in harmony with my values.

  _____ 9. I am taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

  _____ 10. I am cultivating the healthy relationships in my life.

  _____ 11. I am committed to healing.

  Afterwards

  Dear Reader:

  I hope and pray that this book has helped you, and will continue to help you, with your healing process. God bless you on your journey.

  Sincerely,

  Jason Goodwin M.Ed.

  (To order hard copies of this book,

  please visit

  www.thehealingplacestore.com.)